Why did I cry...

so there is this guy... Nuwan. I have never met him... and we have only known eachother for maybe a month... but he is pretty much amazing.

we video chat for like 20 hours a week!! its crazy how much we talk about! I love talking to him. He is so interested in me and how i feel and my opinions about things.

Weirdest relationship in the world! haha I consider him a great friend! But then the strangest thing happened... I started to feel something. A great saddness!! Like my heart wanted him but it knew that I couldn't have him. And it was weird because he could see it in my eyes and he knew exactly what I was thinking. And he was feeling it to.... we had a moment where nothing was said but we could just feel eachother... it was as if he was next to me.

I have been praying to God a lot lately... asking him to bring someone into my life... asking for direction, where i should go and who I should be interested... its like I could hear him speaking to me, telling me "love Nuwan" and I said back ok now you are crazy!! He is on the other side of the world!!!! Hes not a christian!!! He is not someone that I should be loving!! And again He said very clearly "you are to love Nuwan" So I said ok... I will try to. But I still thought it was all very strange... maybe it was the water I was drinking or something because people dont just hear God talking...

The next day Nuwan and I were talking and he asked me about the end of the world and what I believed... then he asked me a strange question...."what does someone have to do to make sure that at the end they know where they are going"... in that moment I understood why I needed to love this boy, because God has big plans for his heart and his soul!! And maybe, just maybe I will get to be a part of it!! So exciting!!

Two days ago I was talking with Nuwan... just a normal conversation... then he said something... "Becca", he started... "I met a girl", he stuttered next.... I sat in silence.... and he continued.... "I asked her Becca... and well... She said yes Becca" ... I could feel tears building in my eyes as he spoke so quietly and softly. I didnt understand why I was crying, ofr why I was even sad!! It made no sense to me, why was I experiencing all of these emotions?? why was I not happy for him? As I am thinking all of this a state of panic must have appeared on my face because as I'm having my small melt down I hear his voice... "Becca... are you ok?". Looking at my screen I can see the concern in his face."Becca I'm sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you"... after trying to convince him "I'm fine" his words melted me " I can see the tears building in your eyes, you can't lie to me I can see your heart!!" after smiling I told him I was happy for him.

Could I love him?? Could my heart really feel love for this person, knowing that I will never meet him... never touch him? Its very weird thats all I can say.... I love the feeling, and I love being happy for him. Its like even tho I knew it would never happen I was happy just knowing he was happy.

Maybe God has big plans for Nuwan, maybe they include me... maybe they dont but either way the whole experience has showed me that God is working in my life and in the life of those that he brings into my life:)

So here's another day
I'll spend away from you
Another night
I'm running
Another broken avenue
My bag is ripped and worn
But then again now so am I
Take what you wanna take
What you wanna take
What you..
I miss the stupid things
We'd go to sleep and then
You'd wake me up and kick me out of bed at 3 am
Pick up the phone and hear you saying dirty things to me
Do what you wanna do
What you wanna do
What you..

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I do want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore I
Cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to..

Times are all the same
You're still away from me
Another day
Another dollar that I'll never see
Gonna get the pieces
The pieces
Pieces of something good
Lie just a little lie
Just a little lie

I wonder what your doing
I wonder if you did it
I wonder how we used to ever go so long without it
And I know where I'll go
I'm coming back to you
Be where I ought to be
Where I ought to be

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I do want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you

Take Me Home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I do want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

I can hear them.... and it makes me dream....

So here I am sitting in my house:) Our two cats are playing with eachother its so cute!! I'm just getting used to not living with my parents... big change ya know:P Going from 9 people to just having the 2 of us.

My housemate Vicki has her brother over tonight and they are up in her bedroom... and I can hear them talking. And singing.... thats right her 20 year old brother is singing with her and its melting my heart!! How can a complete stranger take my breath away with just the sound of his voice? Maybe its just the idea... that some guys would actually come home from school and sit with their sister and as she plays her guitar he would start to sing with her. That the guys that I meet or the guys that I like are also brothers and have families and that maybe just maybe this big tough guy show that they all put on is just that... a show. That maybe with some guys there is actually emotion way down deep inside of them and under their strange attitudes they are actually just someone's little brother.

It is actually really encouraging.... and confirms that I am over Evan. Not because my heart is melting but because I know forsure that there is no way would would have been good together. He was what I was looking for because he was opposite of me... but maybe that.. no wait obviously thats not what I need. I need someone who is into the same things as me... who has been raised the same as me, who is in love with music like I am. I need to be with someone who is like be but at the same time is different and can complement me... where I am lacking he will be there and where he is lacking I can be there for him:) This is my new mission ... to find a man who is like me but who will be different enough to complete me.

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
Where the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless.
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

I will stay.
Nobody will break you,
Yeah.

Trust in me, trust in me.
Don't pull away
Trust in me, trust in me.
I'm just trying to keep this together, because I could do worse and you could do better

Tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you.
~ Marianas Trench

Can you make this feel alright?

Evan Mccullagh….
My Fist official boyfriend, My first kiss, my first hand held in the car, my first park and makeout, my first break up and what feels like my hundredth broken heart…

To be honest I blame facebook for everything!! Things went so fast because we were talking everyday on facebook….. at the beginning it was 3 or 4 times a day… and not just short chats either. But long deep messages talking about ourselves, what we did that day fallowed by a series of questions for each other…. It is a really fast easy way to get to know someone, but very impersonal! We would only see each other on weekends…. And when we were together it was almost as though we had nothing to talk about, we had already told each other every little thing we did the week before and as far as questions go, well I had asked him everything you could think of in our messages so that left us in a awkward quietness. We both said that it wasn’t awkward in those silent moments but truth be told I was sad. Because deep inside I knew that we should be able to talk to each other and not just send messages.

Evan was just like every other guy I have ever had feelings for…. Saying things to make me believe that he cared for me….

i'm just going to be blunt right now and say that you are a fantastic girl... and i am glad i met you on the weekend, and look forward to getting to know you more... i hope thats not too bold for ya... i just wanted you to know that.

Hey, don't worry I think I can see ya smiling :) and In less then 2 weeks I hope to see ya still smiling :) Its crazy, this connection that we have... I have never felt this way before and been able to talk this blunt and long before and this is just amazing... and I mean every word I say... I'm still smiling from you calling me a great guy... i am very blessed to have met you and to be getting to know you.

… I agree we do need to decide what we are and I really care about you and .. and do want us to be a couple and which I feel we can be :) Dating ish is over rated but when your actually boyfriend and girlfriend your in a different relationship then just on a date here and there... being boyfriend and girlfriend isn't overrated... I hope that makes somewhat sense..lol...
but to answer your question I do think we are a couple :)

.. and I'm honoured to be your man :).. its official now... its on facebook :P

I know its crazy exciting to be official, I never thought something like this would happen so fast, but it feels so right :)

I can't wait to hold you next weekend :) and I'm really looking forward to the drive in ;)

I look forward to hearing the song :) I know its crazy how this has worked out, and even thoug it has been going fast, I definitly feel we were made for each other and I'm so glad our paths did come across :)

I am very serious about this relationship. I would not of gotten into a relationship again unless it was going to be very serious and long term... I really care about you :)

Awww.... :) Your the best thing as well, I did not think I would be able to meet such a beautiful, christian girl with so much compatibilty... and I am blessed... you are right, there will be hard times but we will work together to go through them to make our relationship stronger :)

Thats just brought a huge smile to my face when you said I was good looking... maybe it was because you were tired lol.... I love looking at you as well... there is a physical attraction and an emotional/ attraction as well.. I think were a match :)

Well my love, where do I begin... I am really thrilled about how you feel about being together and growing together... That is exactly what I want to do and you are amazing and have the qualities in a girl that I want to be with :) We have our differences but to me those are so small, and if we truly believe in this relationship we can work through them :) Thank you for opening your heart and being honest with me, I'm glad you feel comfortable talking with me about this and I feel very comfortable talking about anything with you. I know saturday night was hard for you and I apologize, in the morning I knew something was bothering you and I'm glad I was able to get you to talk about it... and that "attach" I don't know, I am at a loss about it and very embarrased about it especially since I do not remember it at all... The last thing I want to do is hurt you babe... I care about you so much :) I have fallen for you :)

God has a hand in everything especially with this relationship, and we will continue to compliment each other for sure.

You can say it a million times and I'lll still smile babe :) I never thought I would be able to meet someone like you and have the connection and freedom to talk about anything and be this honest with each other with out it being awkward

I don’t know if he is the one for me or not…. Somedays I still believe he is. For the simple reason that he was 100% the man that I believe God is saving just for me. Evan was not the “type” of guy that I thought I wanted to be with … if you had asked me at the beginning of the year why “type” of guy do you want I would nevr have said “someone really super smart… tall and skinny… with weird facial hair… who has a serious problem with being to close to his parents.” I always said I wanted a farmer, Evan however was very much a city boy and didn’t even know what mustard was in the field! I always said I wanted a leader, someone to be the head of my house hold… but not Evan, he may have tried but he was not a natural leader…. Not at all. I wanted a man that loved kids…. Evan had never held a baby.
I feel like Evan has a piece of me that I will never get back… I never understood that saying until now…. I didn’t understand why you couldn’t just take it back and move on. But I let Evan into my heart…. And told him my deepest secrets that no one on earth knows about because I wanted to be honest with him about everything… but now that he ended things I feel like my secrets are no longer safe and I hate knowing that someone else knows all about me.
I wish that I had taken things slower
I wish that I had never added him to facebook
I wish that I knew what he was feeling right now
I wish that I had never told him every little thing about myself
I wish I didn’t miss kissing him
I wish I wasn’t so carless with my words in my last message to him
I wish he didn’t end things over the phone
I wish that he didn’t make me a cd like 4 days before he ended things.
I wish I held him longer the last time he hugged me
I wish I had the guts to tell him that I want to fight for him and not let this end.
I wish he would tell me how he feels
I wish he was at my oma and opas anniversary
I wish he had been honest and told me the moment he doubted us.
I wish I told him how amazing he was more often
I miss having someone tell me I’m beautiful
I miss having someone to hold my hand
I miss having someone to say goodnight to
I miss having someone to be a better person for
I miss having someone to dream about the future with

And she tries, not to cry, as the tears, fill her eyes. Can you hear me.... am I getting through tonight? Can you see him.... can you make this feel alright??