Why did I cry...

so there is this guy... Nuwan. I have never met him... and we have only known eachother for maybe a month... but he is pretty much amazing.

we video chat for like 20 hours a week!! its crazy how much we talk about! I love talking to him. He is so interested in me and how i feel and my opinions about things.

Weirdest relationship in the world! haha I consider him a great friend! But then the strangest thing happened... I started to feel something. A great saddness!! Like my heart wanted him but it knew that I couldn't have him. And it was weird because he could see it in my eyes and he knew exactly what I was thinking. And he was feeling it to.... we had a moment where nothing was said but we could just feel eachother... it was as if he was next to me.

I have been praying to God a lot lately... asking him to bring someone into my life... asking for direction, where i should go and who I should be interested... its like I could hear him speaking to me, telling me "love Nuwan" and I said back ok now you are crazy!! He is on the other side of the world!!!! Hes not a christian!!! He is not someone that I should be loving!! And again He said very clearly "you are to love Nuwan" So I said ok... I will try to. But I still thought it was all very strange... maybe it was the water I was drinking or something because people dont just hear God talking...

The next day Nuwan and I were talking and he asked me about the end of the world and what I believed... then he asked me a strange question...."what does someone have to do to make sure that at the end they know where they are going"... in that moment I understood why I needed to love this boy, because God has big plans for his heart and his soul!! And maybe, just maybe I will get to be a part of it!! So exciting!!

Two days ago I was talking with Nuwan... just a normal conversation... then he said something... "Becca", he started... "I met a girl", he stuttered next.... I sat in silence.... and he continued.... "I asked her Becca... and well... She said yes Becca" ... I could feel tears building in my eyes as he spoke so quietly and softly. I didnt understand why I was crying, ofr why I was even sad!! It made no sense to me, why was I experiencing all of these emotions?? why was I not happy for him? As I am thinking all of this a state of panic must have appeared on my face because as I'm having my small melt down I hear his voice... "Becca... are you ok?". Looking at my screen I can see the concern in his face."Becca I'm sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you"... after trying to convince him "I'm fine" his words melted me " I can see the tears building in your eyes, you can't lie to me I can see your heart!!" after smiling I told him I was happy for him.

Could I love him?? Could my heart really feel love for this person, knowing that I will never meet him... never touch him? Its very weird thats all I can say.... I love the feeling, and I love being happy for him. Its like even tho I knew it would never happen I was happy just knowing he was happy.

Maybe God has big plans for Nuwan, maybe they include me... maybe they dont but either way the whole experience has showed me that God is working in my life and in the life of those that he brings into my life:)

So here's another day
I'll spend away from you
Another night
I'm running
Another broken avenue
My bag is ripped and worn
But then again now so am I
Take what you wanna take
What you wanna take
What you..
I miss the stupid things
We'd go to sleep and then
You'd wake me up and kick me out of bed at 3 am
Pick up the phone and hear you saying dirty things to me
Do what you wanna do
What you wanna do
What you..

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I do want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore I
Cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to die
Cross my heart and hope to..

Times are all the same
You're still away from me
Another day
Another dollar that I'll never see
Gonna get the pieces
The pieces
Pieces of something good
Lie just a little lie
Just a little lie

I wonder what your doing
I wonder if you did it
I wonder how we used to ever go so long without it
And I know where I'll go
I'm coming back to you
Be where I ought to be
Where I ought to be

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I do want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you
Take me with you
I start to miss you

Take Me Home
I don't wanna be alone tonight

And I do want to show you
I will run to you to you till I
Can't stand on my own anymore
I cross my heart and hope to die

I can hear them.... and it makes me dream....

So here I am sitting in my house:) Our two cats are playing with eachother its so cute!! I'm just getting used to not living with my parents... big change ya know:P Going from 9 people to just having the 2 of us.

My housemate Vicki has her brother over tonight and they are up in her bedroom... and I can hear them talking. And singing.... thats right her 20 year old brother is singing with her and its melting my heart!! How can a complete stranger take my breath away with just the sound of his voice? Maybe its just the idea... that some guys would actually come home from school and sit with their sister and as she plays her guitar he would start to sing with her. That the guys that I meet or the guys that I like are also brothers and have families and that maybe just maybe this big tough guy show that they all put on is just that... a show. That maybe with some guys there is actually emotion way down deep inside of them and under their strange attitudes they are actually just someone's little brother.

It is actually really encouraging.... and confirms that I am over Evan. Not because my heart is melting but because I know forsure that there is no way would would have been good together. He was what I was looking for because he was opposite of me... but maybe that.. no wait obviously thats not what I need. I need someone who is into the same things as me... who has been raised the same as me, who is in love with music like I am. I need to be with someone who is like be but at the same time is different and can complement me... where I am lacking he will be there and where he is lacking I can be there for him:) This is my new mission ... to find a man who is like me but who will be different enough to complete me.

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
Where the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless.
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I'll be right beside you

I will stay.
Nobody will break you,
Yeah.

Trust in me, trust in me.
Don't pull away
Trust in me, trust in me.
I'm just trying to keep this together, because I could do worse and you could do better

Tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you

If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you.
~ Marianas Trench