Soooo... I dont know where to start. I figured it was about time that I write about the latest heart break.I met Tyler a few years ago in a christian chatroom, since then we have only started talking since January. Then after 5 months... he just stopped talking... I think the best way for you to understand how I feel is for you to read the e-mail I sent to him...
Hey Tyler,
Sooo guess what today is.... today is our 5 months:) yep thats right... 5 months to the day that we started talking.... pretty crazy eh?January 27th.... The day that I told you I would see you in my dreams, and you said that you missed me..... It has been a good 5 months, I definitely fell for you.:) I do love you Tyler, I really do. And thats what makes this e-mail soooo hard to write.... but I am writing it, and I hope that you read it... all of it!!
So last friday, I was really excited to talk to you ON THE PHONE:) haha. But I know you were busy.... and then the last time I tried calling that day it was busy... and then I had to leave for a youth event. But about 20 min before I left I was looking at your myspace..... and I read your blog, and all the comments under it. I must say, when I first started reading it my skipped a beat and a huge smile came across my face.... I was so full of love for you in that moment, I thought I might explode... but as I read on I came to the line " Boy oh boy, is she a good kisser" and I was like wait a min..... I have never kissed him......but then I thought ok, well maybe he is not referring to a literal kiss....maybe just the dream of kissing me....and then this thought came into my mind..... "what if its not about me", so I quickly checked the date that you wrote it and it was in '08 so I knew it was new. So I read the blog again... and again.... trying to figure out in my mind if this thing was about me or not.... by this time the tears were streaming down my face... and my heart had sunk into my tummy. Then I read it.... this one little comment...... that changed my whole world. Reading those words, "I LOVE YOU".... being said to you by another girl.... in that moment, my heart broke into a billion pieces..... I could hardly breath, I got sick to my stomach, I didn't know what to do..... I can not put into words the way that I felt in that moment Tyler. Then you came online... literally 5 min after I read all of that. I was so overwhelmed and I had to walk out the door in like 10 min, but my whole world stopped and the only thing I could do was to talk to you. Then you didn't say anything so I said "I really hope your here because we really need to talk".... as I was pressing the send button for that message I got your message that said "hey there".... then, you got off line....and that crushed me even more... because I was like well did he get off because of what I said or because he is busy... or what? I'm pretty sure that that night, was the hardest night of my life. I hated not knowing, but at the same time I could feel it in my heart that I was not written about me and that there was another girl going for your heart. I cried myself to sleep, I couldn't eat on Saturday.... and sleeping was off and on, I cried about the same with this whole thing as I did when my best friend Thomas passed away. Sometimes I still cry, even though its been a week.... when I hear a song, or look at the gift I was going to send you, or read your e-mails to me. This week has been so hard on me.... not only because of you, but there is a TON more going on that you don't even know about, and this was the week that I just needed you around to tell me that it was going to be ok, that no matter what I would still have you, that you would NEVER leave me. Do you remember saying that to me?
It has now been a week since we have talked.... even tho we didn't actually talk, other than you telling me to call you back. I have been trying to call your cell a few times everyday.... Because I just need to talk to you. For the first few days I was just really broken, and sad and extremely hurt. The next few days, I was just confused because I went through a bit denial....thinking "he would never do this" "he told me he cared about me".... Then I thought well maybe he didn't actually care... maybe I read into this to much, hoping that you felt the same way about me as I do about you, but in reality you didn't?!. So I went through our e-mails, to see if I was crazy for thinking that you had feelings for me.... and this is some of the stuff you said to me!! READ THEM, and remember when and why you said these things to me!!!
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---I have to start by saying that my road trip, my time with my family, and all of it was absolutely incredible. There's only one thing I can think of that could've made it any better than what it was and that would be having you there with me as well. Meeting you and spending time with you on that trip would have been SO awesome!
---....I take a break right here to tell you how much I constantly think about the email you sent me saying that you wouldn't want your ideal man to drink and how bad I feel for drinking now. lol. I don't drink in excess, but I can't help but think about you when I do have a couple....
---I'll start by saying that I think about you ALL THE TIME! I wish you knew how much I thought about you. The things that make you think about me are also things that make me think about you. I think about you when I think about coming home a lot because I think it would be awesome if you came and visited while I was home after I get back from Iraq.
---I hope you liked this email. It was by far my favorite one to type yet because it was in reply to the best email I've ever gotten. Oh yeah, and it definitely helps that it was from one of the most amazing women I've ever known!!! You are an amazing friend too Becca and I'm so glad you're in my life. Without you, things in my life might be different. I'm able to talk to you about ANYTHING. There are things that I don't even talk to my best friends about that I feel completely comfortable talking with you about. I thank God everyday for my family and friends and you especially. Thank you for being there for me and for helping me out so much. You may not realize it, but you've helped me through this deployment so far. Looking forward to emails in my Inbox, texting your phone conveniently when you get off work, or just being able to say hi to each other before you head off to Bible Study. I can't wait to hear back from you again Becca and I'm sure it'll be soon cuz you're WAY better at getting back to me quickly than I am. Have a GREAT week and I can't wait to hear back from you again. I'll be looking forward to it.
Yours Always,
TyBear
---I have to completely agree with you that it's been awesome talking to you the past couple days. It's ALWAYS amazing talking to you, but it's just different lately. I think it really helped me to go home and clear my head and get my thoughts arranged and stuff. It just scares me to think that my mind was that jumbled in only 4 months and I still have another year left almost before I get to go home again. I hope that it goes by fast. I don't want you to EVER think that you're being a distraction. I already told you that you're a blessing to me and that you're not too close at all. Don't think that I don't mind telling you that over and over again either. I know that women are all about reassurance. Besides, I like telling you how I feel. It's nice to get it off my chest every once in a while. I love that you're being open and honest though. I ALWAYS want to know how you feel and what's going on in that head of yours. I hate being left hangin' and you're very good about not leaving me hangin'. I thank you very much for that!
---Don't take this the wrong way, but I hate that you refer to this as an online friendship still. I think it would be safe to say that this has gone well past an online friendship now. I'm not positive as to what it feels like to be "swept off my feet", but I have a feeling that that's what I'm feeling right now and there's no way that just an "online friend" has swept me off my feet like you have. I know that normally the girl is the one that's supposed to get swept off her feet, but that's pretty much the only way I can really describe what's going on with me right now, lol. And please don't feel that you're ever going to lose me. I'm never going to forget about you and I'm never going to just stop talking to you. I could never do that to ANYONE and I'm pretty sure that I never have. I probably could, but the person would really have to deserve it.
---I think about you a lot more than that, but you REALLY stand out in my mind when I drink a couple beers. I can't even begin to tell you how much I've thought about you lately though. It's been crazy really. Normally, if I can't get something off my mind it would probably drive me crazy, but thinking about you nonstop is one of the most relaxing feelings for me right now. When I'm stressed, I think about you. When I'm in a good mood, I think about you. When I'm just thinking, I think about you. I pretty much think about you constantly right now. All day I look forward to coming to shift and either replying to your emails, texting you back and forth, or doing both at the same time like I am now. There's nothing that brightens my day more.
---. So, I have to ask...how's that whole situation going with you and the guy that your friends are trying to hook you up with? I'm not gonna lie, I can't help but feel a hint of jealousy. Not only because he has the opportunity to be with you, but because he gets to see you on a daily basis if he wants. That's one lucky guy!
---Becca... (8)Please don't walk away... please tell me you'll stay(8) says: (5:05:11 PM)
i cant wait to hear your laugh:)
F4ther R4ndom says: (5:06:08 PM)
i can't wait to see your freakin' face!
Becca... (8)Please don't walk away... please tell me you'll stay(8) says: (5:06:44 PM)
LOL well i cant wait to hold your freakin' hand... so THERE!! haha
F4ther R4ndom says: (5:10:21 PM)
well, i can't wait to kiss your freakin' face!
---Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. says: (7:29:29 AM)
you're not going to lose me...that's another thing that drives me nuts...you're putting a wedge between us by saying that stuff over and over and over again...i know reassurrance is nice, but how many times do i have to say that you'll never have to
worry about losing me
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. says: (7:30:01 AM)
i'm your friend and true friends don't just turn their backs on people over stupid stuff
--- And remember last saturday when I said that I broke a guys heart for you? Because I was taken??? And then I said "I am taken right?"..... you said I was.... so unless you know something that I dont.... you are the only one that I'm taken by....
---And there is sooooo many more things you have said.... things that make my heart beat faster:)
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And after reading all that, I came to the conclusion, that I am NOT FRICKIN' CRAZY! The stuff you said to me would make any girl believe that you were falling for her. And I was also thinking..... Why would you give me your cell number? Why would you take the time to send me that song list? Why would you send me all those amazing e-mails and tell me sooooo much about yourself? Why would you have called me? Why would you have said all these things if you didn't care about me?
Then on the other hand.... it has been 3 months since you have e-mailed me.... and we haven't talked in a week......
I don't know what to do Tyler.... I'm hurting so much, my whole world it upside down....I can't eat, I can't sleep. And I have sooooo many questions.....WHO IS BRIANNA?? AND WHY DOES SHE LOVE MY MAN? And why do you miss her? And is the blog about her? Or is it about me? Or is it about someone else? AND WHY WONT YOU TALK TO ME? Were you lying to me the whole time? Did you mean anything you said to me? Did I do something wrong?
You are my world! And I have so much love for you its crazy! Do you get that? Like do you friggin' understand what I am saying? I wish you knew how much I have been hurting this week....I can handle rejection Tyler.... But grow some balls and actually reject me if that is the case. You told me that you wouldn't do this!! You told me that you cared to much about me to hurt me, or to leave me hangin'! You told me that the reason we clicked so well is because our souls connected.... do you remember saying that? Because I think about it all the time. I told you that guys have hurt me by doing this to me, and you told me "not to worry about it because you could NEVER do that to me".
Should I be talking to this girl? And telling her what you have said to me? Because I would not want my boyfriend to be talking to some other girl the way that you talk to me. Oh, and you are on my myspace you know.... I can see when you log in... your last log in was..... today..... ouch... why did you not post my comment?? That almost makes me hate you. We could have been friends ya know... If thats all you wanted to be, then you should have told me.... If you were interested in another girl, you should have just told me. It would have still hurt, but nothing compares to this pain. I thought we could tell each other everything?
I'm really thankful that God doesn't get sick of hearing me talk about you... because I pray for you Tyler... I pray for you everyday!! And this past week I have just been praying and praying... begging God to help me figure this out. Trying to convince him of how much I need you and want you. That necklace that I got for you... says "Guardian Angel" on it, not because I believe that the necklace would be your "guardian angel" or anything like that but because of that song... ohhh that song.... The song that you had in your msn name when you said that I needed to learn yoga... so that I could kick myself in the face, because my smile made you cry.:) The Christmas before my friend Thomas passed away, he gave me this charm thing... with an angel on the one side and it said "always with you" on the other side... my dad drilled a hole in the top for me and made it into a necklace. 9 months later Thomas passed away, and that necklace reminded me of him, knowing that even though I was going though some really hard times, he loved me he and he was "always with me". And I wanted you to have that same feeling from this necklace as I do from mine. Its sitting on my dresser right now, along with a letter that wrote and my picture, because I was going to send it to you on Friday night... but now I don't know what to do with it. I believe God has a plan, and that you and I meeting was a part of that plan. I don't understand everything that is going on right now, but do trust that if your not the one God has for me, That there is someone else out there, someone that will love me the way that I deserve to be loved. And I have to keep telling myself that this pain that I am feeling right now will be worth it when I get to meet him.
I keep hoping that I will wake up from the dream, and that it wont be real :)... I read that blog everyday... hoping and praying that something will be different...I just want things to be the way they were. I still hope with all of my heart that this is all a HUGE misunderstanding... and that you are still mine, and that you miss me and cant wait to talk to me. But for some reason I don't believe that is the case. I flip flop all the time... one minute I'm sooo pissed off at you and I'm mad and I just want to yell at you and then the next minute I'm crying and broken and I just want to hug you because I need you!!
The conclusion I have come to is either you are the biggest ass hole I know or you really really care about me. I am a real person ya know.... a real, NORMAL girl.... and my feelings for you are REAL! And if you cared about me at all... and if you are even half the man that I believe you are then you really need to talk to me Tyler....Even if you never wish to talk to me again after.... you should still have the decency to tell me that.... and I deserve an explanation. And if you don't want to talk to me.... you have got to let me know that you read this e-mail.... Tyler I will go crazy if I don't know.
You will have my heart until the day you tell me you don't want it anymore.<3
Your girl,
~*~Becca~*~ 1Peter 3:15<><
It had been almost 2 months since i have sent that e-mail. I have accepted the fact that he is gone... I just have to figure out how to let him go. I cant forget him... I have tried oh so hard, there is nothing I want more than to forget him. To forget how much I loved him... and how much he hurt me. I was thinking the other day... I dont hate him anymore, I just really really miss him. He was my best friend.
Today i made a new yahoo account and added him, because I really needed it to end. I couldnt feel this way anymore....when he signed in my heart started beating like crazy i felt a knot instantly in my stomach i could not breath... ahhh he said hi, I didnt know what to say... So I told him the truth... this is how it went...
f4ther_r4ndom
who is this?
coffee_chick_8287
someone
i found you on myspace
f4ther_r4ndom
okay
well...i'm not a big fan of playin' games with someone until i know them
not trying to be a jerk, but it's nice to know names when i'm talking to someone
coffee_chick_8287
Rebecca
nice to meet you
f4ther_r4ndom
Becca huh?
coffee_chick_8287
yes... i guess you could call me that... but my name is rebecca
f4ther_r4ndom
Rebecca who?
from where?
alright...well, while you think of those answers, i'm going to take a shower
it's after midnight and i've been out on mission all day and it was a hot day so im feelin' pretty gross right now
coffee_chick_8287
before i tell you where i live and my last name i think i should make sure your real
way to many fake people on here
fair?
f4ther_r4ndom
uhhh...make sure I'm real?!
coffee_chick_8287
well like that your not just some creep on here
f4ther_r4ndom
okay...well you ask all the questions you want...i will go jump in the shower and then i will reply as soon as i get back
tryin' to keep it "real" for ya
coffee_chick_8287
how long will you be?
f4ther_r4ndom
i will be about 15 minutes or so...probably not even that long...we have a very limited supply of hot water here
coffee_chick_8287
ok
f4ther_r4ndom
so ask away...i'll be back in a few
coffee_chick_8287
ok
hmmm what to ask...
f4ther_r4ndom
well...looks like i don't need to ask how quick you are, lol
coffee_chick_8287
well since you are gone... I have some time to type... I think you probably know who I am... I really don't want to freak you out.... this was just the only way I could think of to talk to you....I don't want to bother you or be strange or anything like that I just want to talk to you... I don't understand why you stopped talking to me, I'm trying to move on.... but I do miss you and I guess I just want you to explain a few things. Because moving on is hard without closure is hard. I just need you to help it end
f4ther_r4ndom
yeah...i was pretty sure who you were when you added me
it's sneaky...and creepy\
this is one of the main reasons why i was starting to be a little distant and then dropped off the radar
coffee_chick_8287
what is?
and by the way this is not creepy...
f4ther_r4ndom
it is creepy...to me
coffee_chick_8287
its creepy that you broke my heart and left me with no explanation so i wanted to talk to you?
f4ther_r4ndom
no, it wasn't creepy...i'm not afraid of admitting that i was an asshole...again...but that's just my nature since my ex
things get to a certain point and i dip out because it's too much for me...i can't trust anybody
coffee_chick_8287
ya you are an ass hole... and fyi you didnt dip out... you wrote a blog about a new chick and then left me hanging...
if you knew that that would happen you shouldnt have let me fall for you like that!
did you at least read the last e-mail i sent you?
f4ther_r4ndom
yeah, i started to read it
i'm out though
coffee_chick_8287
you started?
tyler do not leave
f4ther_r4ndom
don't tell me what to do...it's almost 1am in the damn morning and i have to be up in 5 hours
i've got an all-day mission tomorrow and i'm exhausted
i've been on the go everyday, all day, for the past 2 months straight
coffee_chick_8287
i need this... ok can we at least finish another time?
i know what time it is there.
fyi
f4ther_r4ndom
maybe
there's really no need to talk any further
coffee_chick_8287
maybe... tyler if you ever cared about me you will finish this conversation with me either now or later
f4ther_r4ndom
i don't see what you need closure on
you can just chalk it up to me being an asshole and leave it at that
coffee_chick_8287
i dont want to
do get that i miss you like crazy
i dont need you to care about me but i miss my friend! i told you everything!
i tried being mad at you... it didnt work... please tyler im begging you!
f4ther_r4ndom
stop begging
that's not helping me want to talk about anything
coffee_chick_8287
ahhhh
f4ther_r4ndom
it just makes you look desperate
coffee_chick_8287
im not!
f4ther_r4ndom
and you shouldn't be desperate to talk to me
coffee_chick_8287
i got over that about a month after you left...
f4ther_r4ndom
you shouldn't be wanting to be my friend so badly since everyone i befriend ends up hurt at some point or another
coffee_chick_8287
i just dont know how to forget you, or let go... you ment alot to me and you still do and i dont understand why we cant be friends
well then dont hurt me... hmmm simple
if you are mad at me yell at me if you are happy say so .... dont just leave....
f4ther_r4ndom
it's not simple for me
coffee_chick_8287
yes it is! its a choice!
f4ther_r4ndom
goodnight
coffee_chick_8287
tell me that we will talk again
we are both adults, we can talk through this if you would just give me the time instead of treating me like this.
f4ther_r4ndom
i don't know...if i catch you on here again...maybe
coffee_chick_8287
unless you ignore me like you did with my other account
f4ther_r4ndom
like i said..if i catch you on here again
yes, i blocked you, but i'm not on much anymore...if i'm on, it's because my computer was left on and i was gone
i'm moving for my 7th time and i'm really not in the mood to be arguing about dumb shit right now
coffee_chick_8287
i dont want to argue with you tyler!
why is it such a problem for you to let me care about you and be your friend?
f4ther_r4ndom
let me put it this way...i'm tired...i'm exhausted...i'm moving for my 7th time and i JUST got done helping load a whole bunch of crap into a trailor and a huge container...i don't want to talk about this right now
coffee_chick_8287
ok. go to bed... have a good sleep...
f4ther_r4ndom
k
bye
coffee_chick_8287
bye tyler
if I never talk to him again I think I will be ok :) this was all I needed.
