Unwanted...

Have you ever felt unwanted? Unneeded or unloved? Like you are someone’s obligation? Like the only reason they even talk to you is because they feel bad for you? Well that’s part of how I’m feeling tonight. It’s a strange thing, to feel like you have no one! I wish he were here now; He was truly the only person on earth that made me feel like I was wanted! And not because I was “born into the relationship” or because we ended up in the same group! Thomas chose me. He chose me, and he chose to love me! He was the only real thing I ever had. And I miss that so much! Oh what I would give to have someone. Why do I not deserve a friend? I mean I’m doing all I can… I let people in; I try to “put myself out there”. I mean for crying out loud right now I’m in Florida, with people whose greatest joy in life is getting drunk. And if I try to stand up for what I believe they laugh at me… like it’s a joke! So then should I keep my mouth shut? But than am I doing exactly what God has told me never to do….

Life is such a puzzle, one of those puzzles that comes in a bag not a box so you have no idea what the heck the picture is supposed to look like when your done. And of course God the great designer of life has made each piece with a purpose… that we also don’t understand. And each piece can only fit in one spot. We can try to do it our own way but that will never work because that’s like finding a piece that almost fits and squeezing it in so it looks almost right. But than you get to the end of the puzzle and you have this one piece left and this one hole but the piece doesn’t fit in the hole and you’re basically screwed, because you insisted on doing it your way. So than your “puzzle of life” looks nothing like what God had in mind and there’s a big hole in the middle of it and you have this piece. Which could have turned out to be the most important piece in your life and it doesn’t even fit in anymore. And there for you are missing the biggest part of your life and you didn’t even know that it was supposed to be there in the first place; CONFUSING EH? If only life came with an instruction book… but wait it does, but that doesn’t really make all that much sense either so now what? Now what the heck are we supposed to do? It’s like one huge confusing mess of everything that is called life.

So there is this guy, with this crazy view of life. “ Live free” which makes no sense to me… none at all. He doesn’t want to get married and he doesn’t want to have kids or buy a house because that would be too much commitment and to much stuff tying him down! He wants to live free like a bird without a care in the world. Can you imagine living like that? How can you not want anything? How can you not want to have a real purpose? And the big question... How can you not know God? See I grew up in a Christian household with a Christian family and I mean the whole family. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, great grandparents, first cousins, second cousins…EVERYONE! So God has always been a part of my life. And I cant imagine my life without him. So to find someone who had no idea who God is at all, someone who has no consept of “faith” or “Christianity” is strange to me. Everyone I have ever known is a Christian or at least that’s how they were raised.